On Monday last week, I was hanging out with my friend of 10 years, talking about life and whatnot, when the birthday topic came up since we’d celebrated hers weeks ago... She then mentioned that I was born on a date, and that date wasn’t my birthday. At first I laughed and told her that was not the day I was born. But then thoughts started to enter my mind like guests, one after another; how could a friend of 10 years forget such a detail? But then yes, how could I be mad about her forgetting a silly detail like that?

It wasn’t the date that made me mad, obviously; if I were asked to list the 10 most important things about me, my birthday would’ve probably been the last thing I’d list, yet the mistake has bothered me for a while. We spent so much time together, drinking tea in the afternoon, learning healthy habits, and laughing at each other’s mistakes sarcastically. What bothered me was that it made me realize that most of the time we spend so much time with our people thinking we know them SO well, but it is just that we are familiar with them and we might know everything about their life but them.

It is truly strange how people can forget the silliest thing about you and remember the most important highlights of your life. Some people know almost every detail about you and don’t know the real you. They assume they wholeheartedly know you just by knowing your favorite color or your sport, but they don’t know what’s on your mind, what interests you, and what you fear. But they don’t have to; actually, I don’t believe being a friend means knowing every boring detail about my life.

Some friends are here to listen to your midnight thoughts and help you with your struggles; some are here to have fun with you and enjoy life. Some are here to teach you lessons about yourself and about life, so it’s not really about knowing mundane details or not.

Sometimes it’s not knowing the person’s name, parents, or how many siblings they have. It’s really noticing. It is noticing when you notice what triggers them and what they care about the most; when you notice the small little things about somebody, it could make them feel known and understood deeply because sometimes all a person wants is to be noticed and understood, not being known for the best thing they do, or the best or the worst habits they have. It’s really just noticing and understanding somebody. When you understand somebody, you really know them deeply.

On top of everything I said, I’m convinced that we never truly know someone, despite how long we have known them or for what reason; some people conceal parts of their personality or something about their life because they don’t have enough courage to say it out loud.

Sometimes we merely let ourselves see versions of people we only accept.

I was too busy; too busy focusing on my studies, stresses and being a perfectionist. I was busy explaining nonsense to be accepted, busy that I forgot I only and only only live once.

I think that the majority of us have this desire to be perfect. We spend so much time chasing non-existent versions of ourselves hoping one day this version we chase would exist. But often time one should question themselves, is this feeling -chasing perfectionism- driven by ambition? or fear?. I haven’t had a lot of experiences in my life to answer that, however, what I have noticed is that it’s too difficult to separate between these two feelings. One begins with an ambition to achieve a thing but then it slowly turns into fear. and perhaps fear is what stops oneself from achieving their goals.

Nonetheless, many people understand perfectionism as the desire to be the best or the most perfect person among their community. And while that is true, I personally look at perfectionism as the fear of not being enough, fear of failing your loved ones or being judged and so on.

While going on a walk in forests on dirty and unpleasing path filled with mud, everything feels nasty and malicious. However, each filthy patch of mud in forests is what produces a splendid, exquisite and charming blossoms growing with radiant and vibrant colors.

And maybe the point of living is just to notice the details of the Monet’s art, how ugly shades of oil paint and random doodles could possibly lead to a delicate, majestic and ravishing canvas. In tandem with this, nature itself is not as glorious as it seems. Some trees have broken branches and dead leaves, resembling the dead versions of ourselves and un-healed wounds, yet they still grow and so do we.

Somewhere along the way, I have failed to realize that most of my time was wasted for the sake of seeking clarity and answers, yet I still proceed to pursue them. But the only difference between now and then is that now I believe perhaps it is not my main priority to keep looking for a straight untangled path and rather live with chaos and an entwined road. Because, what makes me so certain that I would’ve chosen the same destiny I chose now 10 or so years later?. And apart from that, I doubt the path I chose would have a way back, leaving me unsure if I can ever return to my initial roots.

Perhaps I was given the chance to live to simply exist, breathe, and let things go. Not every concern or concept must have a meaning or make sense. Over and above that, maybe—just maybe—each phase I went through was merely a lesson that might benefit me later on.

I want to speak.
I want to speak to the birds
I want to speak to people
I, just, want to speak.

I want to speak, I repeat.
I don’t want an advice
I don’t want the comfort
Please, let me speak

For once let me speak
Don’t let me hold the pain
Don’t let me hold the grief
Please just listen to me
And let me speak

I want to speak
Please, don’t cut in to apologize
Don’t ask me how I’ve survived
Please, just let me speak

I repeat, I want to speak
Please, let me find my voice
Let me learn on my own
Just to speak

Please, let me speak for once
Even if it’ll last for several months
or even to a passing dove
Please just, let me speak

I write, I know my grandpa’s favorite color,
which I often think is green.
Beauty, nature, warmth, and peace
fit him so perfectly.

I write, I know my grandpa’s favorite color,
but I don’t believe he has one.
Rather, it is the feeling he carries with
each color, each shade.

The feeling of joy, warmth, and hope—
all have their own shade of color,
and he represents all of them,
all the shades.

I sometimes wish I had the ability to freeze time to enjoy the small moments that I wanted to last longer than they did. But if I did, I know that I wouldn’t be grateful for them as much as I am now.

It appears to me that we, humans, value the brief instants because we know we will not be able to experience them again. We try to take hold of the fleeting experiences through old photographs and keeping old items, hoping that perhaps they will ease the fear of forgetting them.

Sunsets wouldn’t be mesmerizing, childhood wouldn’t be nostalgic and wistful, hanging out with friends and family wouldn’t be exciting, and rainy weather wouldn’t be restorative if they lasted longer than they did. Permanence would ruin the joy and charm within them, making them feel boring and uneventful.

However, it still saddens me to realize that memories will still fade away at some point, where we might completely forget them. But sometimes we do not need to keep every grain of the past to carry its warmth.

Thus, we should appreciate what we enjoy and live in its present, rather than worrying about them fading away one day, because often times we regret the moments we didn’t appreciate or lived them.

I somehow see what’s beautiful
In things that are ephemeral

Viewing life through the lens of impermanence reveals a comforting truth, my whole life is ephemeral; every person, thing, and memory is temporary; but when they fleet away, they fleet with a grace that makes their existence all the more sacred. Only to leave an indelible mark on who we become.

Peeling an orange makes you hesitate because if it turns sour, you can’t really put it back. But you still peel it anyway because you want to know. And the fear of sourness shouldn’t stop you from tasting sweetness, right?

Life works sometimes in a similar way, when you decide to take a risk for something, fear and hesitation will always be part of the journey, but you continue because you chose to commit, and commitment makes you keep going anyway. You hesitate and you fear it, yet you still do it.

Risk carries both reward and regret, however; avoiding it can become a regret of its own. And sometimes the reward is not about succeeding, but rather knowing that you tried.

Not every orange is sweet, but we peel it anyway , just like not every risk ends well, yet we still take them.

( luckily, my orange turned out to be sweet after all haha)

I’m not late
I’m not behind
I’m not delusional 
in someone’s mind

I search for the truth
as much as I could
yet I only end
in the same loop

Who would’ve thought
I would reach this point
searching about
what matters the most?

Is it hope or fear
loss or cheer
pride to me
or not what
I have thought it would be

Well, to me
I don’t think
the truth is free

But rather
It’s hidden
in someone’s mind
and I’m hoping to find
that person to complete
a piece of mine

Whom never thought
It’d bloom again

And finally
release
what it has been carrying
for years
because of endless fear.

On December, 2024, I received the news of my very close uncle going to the hospital due to a sudden Brain hemorrhage. I was shocked and in disbelief for such a long time. How, when?… I literally had a phone call with him 2 weeks before and he was happy and joking around with us. I remember I couldn’t focus in none of my classes, I couldn’t sleep properly, cried so hard when I used to pray ( I am Muslim), my life was literally so messed up that I wish if this phase of my life was just a dream.

The only thing I was able to do was just praying that he at least get well as soon as possible even though everything around me was telling me that there’s no hope.
He had a very low level of consciousness, around 3-5%. He looked soo pale and skinny on that hospital bed, he couldn’t talk, move or even do anything properly. Although he was young, almost every strand of his hair has turned grey.

I was so devastated, I remember once him visiting us and he told my brother that since the sunset goes early in our area, he would come and fast the whole Ramadan. I wish if that thing was real, because I spent my whole Ramadan and Eid without him, he was still in coma.

Later on, a week after Eid, I received another heartbreaking news, my grandfather, has went to hospital too due to low platelet count, 4 days before he was on a video call with us, he looked so healthy and perfectly fine. I couldn’t believe it, first my uncle, and now my grandpa, I asked god.. why?.

And all this has happened in less than 5 months, I was going through the worst times of my life, I wished sometimes if I was dead and never received all those heartbreaking news, and in that time, I was betrayed by some of friends, almost everybody I trusted has broken me into pieces, my other friends made me feel left out and it couldn’t get any better.

Around late may-June my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer and they couldn’t do any thing, they couldn’t locate where was the cancer because the doctors themselves weren’t sure until a few weeks before he pass away.

Yes, my dear lovely grandfather has passed away a week before my birthday, in late July, I remember I couldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t believe him passing away, what do you mean by my strong, wise, kind grandfather passing away? I couldn’t believe it for a whole month until it hit me, That he’s gone.

And still, It couldn’t get any better too, 2 months later, my uncle has passed away, the same young, nice, respectful man, has passed away, I didn’t know what to do anymore, I felt so tired of all the heartbreaks. But my heart broke even more when I saw that depressed face in my dad, my dad has always been a happy, funny person. I couldn’t handle seeing him depressed, but I get it, why should I expect him being okay when his father and brother passed away?

Honestly, I didn’t think about
How we didn’t say goodbye
Just, “See you very soon”

I always remember those words, I never expected them to pass away, nor did they.
But now I learned so much from them, and I am very proud to be a part of my family.
My grandfather and uncle have taught me a lot, that I shouldn’t expect people be there at my lowest, that I have to be kind, although this kindness has a price.
They are dead, but they will never be dead in my mind.

I will forever love them and miss them.

What’s a dream in the first place?

a dream is any mental experience that occurs during our sleep. This experience can come in the form of images, series of thoughts, or even sensations. The majority of humans begin to dream a while after they fall asleep. However, it differs from one person to another, as different areas of our brain do not sleep at the same time and rate.

Most of our vivid dreams occur at REM(Rapid Eye Movement) sleep. REM is a part of the human's body sleep cycle. Many of us experience four to six sleep cycles per night. Usually, the first dream only lasts for a couple of minutes, then they become longer throughout our sleep cycle.

During Rapid Eye Movement Sleep (REM sleep), short-term memory processes are active, but dream experiences tend to fade quickly if they are not stored in long-term memory. If a person does not wake up during this stage of sleep, the dream will often disappear from memory soon after it ends

Why do we forget dreams then?

One reason is that remembering a dream usually requires waking up while it is happening or shortly after it ends. When you wake up during REM sleep, your brain has a better chance of transferring the dream’s images and events into long-term memory. However, if a person continues sleeping and moves into another stage of sleep, the dream is less likely to be stored properly. Because of this, most dreams fade away before we ever become aware of them.

Now, if you had the ability to choose which dreams to remember and which to forget, would you want it? And why!

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Nihilism

Nihilism is the realization or the understanding that there is no meaning in life.

Firstly, most people nowadays often misunderstand the word nihilism. They think it means nothing matters, or they treat it as a synonym for depression. However, philosophically it is far more than that. In fact, nihilism doesn’t clearly express how someone should feel, but rather points to what it sees as a fundamental reality [The absence of a given purpose].

Now, no meaning doesn’t mean nothing matters. Nihilists often tend to say that the purpose of the universe is unclear or it doesn’t match the same physical laws are discovered.

Most importantly, this doesn’t mean that goals should be cancelled or that nobody has the right to feel emotions. People can still pursue goals and feel joy, but nihilism denies that these things have objective meaning.

In other words, the universe doesn’t give you their meanings. You are the one who does.

Existentialism

Existentialism continues where nihilism stops. It simply doesn’t deny nihilism, but rather asks: if the universe didn’t give us a meaning for life, then what are we supposed to do with it? And how could we shape it?

One important idea comes from Jean-Paul Sartre: existence precedes essence, which states that every human being comes with no fixed role or destiny.

We exist, then we shape ourselves and our lives through our choices and environment. However, existentialism isn’t only about freedom, but responsibility too. If there is no pre-written path, then each individual person is responsible for the life they create.

Still, it doesn’t declare that life is meaningless, but it suggests that meaning is built rather than discovered. Meaning grows out of our values, actions, and beliefs. It’s not given by the universe, but rather formed through living.

Existentialism reminds us that a person is not merely formed by the world, but that they also shape themselves within it. So, to exist isn’t only about being present, but to choose, act, and construct a life that reflects those choices.

Absurdism

Absurdism is another philosophical theory which states that the universe is meaningless, yet people search for its meaning. Humans usually tend to search for the sense of life, whether by asking the purpose of life or questioning if life truly matters. However, looking at the universe gives us an indirect answer.

For instance, why time runs, or why nature continues to grow, without explanation. From this point of view, the world looks irrational to us humans.

Absurdism focuses on two sides. Humans search for meaning and clarity. The other side, however, is that the universe offers no direct responses.

This leads to confusion, where the absurd is not simply that life has no meaning, but rather that we want its meaning so badly, and yet the universe remains quiet.

The philosopher Albert Camus suggested that accepting the absurd basically gives us freedom, and instead of searching for meaning, humans can create their own meaning, values, and goals and stick with them. So, absurdism isn’t about giving up on life and desperately searching for its meaning, but rather choosing to live with your goals, values, and awareness.

What links all those three?

Now, Absurdism, nihilism, and existentialism basically focus on the same question: what is the purpose of life? But here’s the difference:

Nihilism stops at the question and accepts that life is pointless, and that humans give life its purpose, but not the universe. Existentialism responds to nihilism by suggesting that humans can create their own goals, memories, meanings, and values. They do agree that life has no strong fixed meaning.

Absurdism is in between. It accepts that life might feel irrational and meaningless, but it does not fully rely on the idea that humans must create their own meaning. Rather, it focuses on living in spite of the unanswered questions.

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